Original Text(~130 words)
If you wish your children and your wife and your friends to live forever, you are foolish, for you wish things to be in your power which are not so, and what belongs to others to be your own. So likewise, if you wish your servant to be without fault, you are foolish, for you wish vice not to be vice but something else. But if you wish not to be disappointed in your desires, that is in your own power. Exercise, therefore, what is in your power. A man’s master is he who is able to confer or remove whatever that man seeks or shuns. Whoever then would be free, let him wish nothing, let him decline nothing, which depends on others; else he must necessarily be a slave.
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Summary
Epictetus delivers a hard truth about control and freedom that cuts straight to the heart of human suffering. He points out that wanting our loved ones to live forever, or expecting our employees to be perfect, is fundamentally foolish—not because we're bad people for wanting these things, but because we're trying to control what belongs to someone else's power, not ours. This creates a master-slave relationship where we become enslaved to circumstances and other people's choices. The philosopher offers a different path: focus only on what's genuinely within our control—our own responses, desires, and decisions. When we wish for things outside our power, we hand over our freedom to external forces. But when we align our wants with what we can actually influence, we reclaim our autonomy. This isn't about becoming cold or uncaring toward others. It's about loving them without the burden of impossible expectations. Epictetus suggests that true freedom comes from wanting nothing that depends on others and avoiding nothing that's outside our control. This might sound extreme, but he's describing a mental shift that protects us from constant disappointment and resentment. The chapter challenges us to examine our daily frustrations—how many stem from trying to control things that aren't ours to control? From traffic jams to our teenager's attitude to our boss's decisions, we suffer most when we forget this fundamental boundary. Understanding this distinction between our power and others' power becomes the foundation for genuine peace of mind and authentic relationships.
That's what happens. To understand what the author is really doing—and to discuss this chapter with confidence—keep reading.
Terms to Know
Stoic Philosophy
A school of thought that teaches focusing only on what you can control while accepting what you cannot. Stoics believed this was the path to inner peace and freedom from emotional suffering.
Modern Usage:
We see this in modern therapy techniques like CBT and mindfulness practices that teach separating what we can change from what we can't.
Master-Slave Relationship
In Stoic terms, when you depend on external things for your happiness, those things become your master and you become enslaved to them. The more you need things outside your control, the less free you become.
Modern Usage:
Think about how we become slaves to social media likes, our boss's approval, or whether our kids make good choices - we're only happy when these external things go our way.
Sphere of Control
The clear boundary between what's yours to control (your thoughts, reactions, choices) and what belongs to others or to fate (other people's behavior, natural events, outcomes).
Modern Usage:
This shows up in workplace boundaries, parenting advice about controlling your response not your teen's choices, and relationship counseling about changing yourself not your partner.
Desire vs. Aversion
Wanting things to happen versus wanting things not to happen. Epictetus teaches that both can trap us if they depend on forces outside our control.
Modern Usage:
We see this when we desperately want a promotion or desperately want to avoid getting laid off - both desires make us anxious because we can't fully control the outcome.
Philosophical Exercise
Mental practices designed to train your thinking, like repeatedly asking 'Is this in my control?' before getting upset about something.
Modern Usage:
Similar to how athletes practice drills, we can practice mental habits like the serenity prayer or taking deep breaths before reacting to bad news.
Roman Household Dynamics
In Epictetus's time, households included servants, and the master-servant relationship was a daily reality that illustrated power dynamics everyone understood.
Modern Usage:
Today we see similar dynamics between bosses and employees, parents and children, or anyone who has authority over others.
Characters in This Chapter
Epictetus
Teacher and narrator
He's speaking from experience as someone who was literally a slave but found mental freedom through philosophy. He uses practical examples like wanting your family to live forever to show how we enslave ourselves to impossible desires.
Modern Equivalent:
The wise mentor who's been through hard times and learned to find peace by accepting what he can't change
The Foolish Person
Cautionary example
Represents anyone who wishes for things outside their control - wanting children to live forever, servants to be perfect, or loved ones to never disappoint them. This person suffers because they're trying to control the uncontrollable.
Modern Equivalent:
The helicopter parent who can't let their adult kids make mistakes, or the person who gets road rage because traffic won't cooperate
The Master
Symbol of external control
Represents whatever has power over what you want or fear. When you depend on external things for happiness, those things become your master and you become enslaved to them.
Modern Equivalent:
Your boss who controls your paycheck, social media that controls your self-worth, or even your own family whose approval you desperately need
The Servant
Example of imperfection
Used as an example of expecting perfection from others. Epictetus points out it's foolish to expect your servant to never make mistakes because that's asking for vice not to be vice.
Modern Equivalent:
The employee who sometimes messes up, the spouse who has flaws, or the friend who occasionally disappoints you
Why This Matters
Connect literature to life
This chapter teaches how to identify what you can actually influence versus what depends on others' cooperation.
Practice This Today
This week, notice when you feel frustrated and ask: 'Am I trying to control something that isn't mine to control?' Then redirect that energy toward your actual sphere of influence.
You have the foundation. Now let's look closer.
Key Quotes & Analysis
"If you wish your children and your wife and your friends to live forever, you are foolish, for you wish things to be in your power which are not so, and what belongs to others to be your own."
Context: Opening the chapter with a stark example of impossible desires
This hits hard because it names something we all secretly want but know is impossible. Epictetus isn't being cruel - he's showing how our deepest loves can become sources of suffering when we try to control what we can't control.
In Today's Words:
Wanting your family to never die or get hurt is understandable, but you're setting yourself up for heartbreak because that's not how life works.
"But if you wish not to be disappointed in your desires, that is in your own power."
Context: Offering the alternative to impossible wishes
This is the key insight - we can't control outcomes, but we can control whether we set ourselves up for disappointment. It's about aligning our expectations with reality rather than fighting against it.
In Today's Words:
You can't control what happens, but you can control whether you expect things that are likely to disappoint you.
"Whoever then would be free, let him wish nothing, let him decline nothing, which depends on others; else he must necessarily be a slave."
Context: Defining what true freedom looks like
This sounds extreme but it's about emotional freedom, not becoming a hermit. When your happiness depends on other people's choices, you've given them power over your peace of mind. True freedom means your well-being doesn't rise and fall with external circumstances.
In Today's Words:
If you want to be truly free, don't base your happiness on things other people control, or you'll always be at their mercy.
Intelligence Amplifier™ Analysis
The Road of Borrowed Chains - How We Enslave Ourselves to Other People's Choices
We voluntarily enslave ourselves by making our peace dependent on controlling things that belong to other people's power, not ours.
Thematic Threads
Control
In This Chapter
Epictetus draws the fundamental line between what we can and cannot control, showing how crossing this boundary creates suffering
Development
Building on earlier themes of accepting circumstances, now focusing specifically on the illusion of control over others
In Your Life:
You might recognize this when you're frustrated that others won't change to meet your expectations.
Freedom
In This Chapter
True freedom comes from wanting nothing that depends on others and avoiding nothing outside our power
Development
Expanding the concept of mental freedom from external circumstances to include freedom from other people's choices
In Your Life:
You experience this freedom when you stop needing others to behave a certain way for you to feel okay.
Relationships
In This Chapter
Loving others without the burden of impossible expectations - caring without controlling
Development
Introduced here as a new dimension of how Stoic principles apply to human connections
In Your Life:
You might see this in how you relate to family members whose choices you wish you could influence.
Personal Growth
In This Chapter
Growth requires examining daily frustrations to identify where we're trying to control the uncontrollable
Development
Deepening from general self-improvement to specific practices of recognizing control boundaries
In Your Life:
You can apply this by asking yourself what percentage of your stress comes from trying to change others.
Class
In This Chapter
The master-slave dynamic applies to anyone who makes their emotional state dependent on external validation or cooperation
Development
Extending beyond literal social class to psychological freedom available to anyone regardless of circumstances
In Your Life:
You might notice this when you feel powerless because your economic situation depends on others' decisions.
Modern Adaptation
When the Promotion Goes Sideways
Following Ellen's story...
Maya had been gunning for the shift supervisor position for eighteen months. She'd trained new hires, covered extra shifts, and even organized the break room. When corporate announced the promotion would go to an external hire, Maya felt betrayed. For weeks, she stewed about the unfairness, complained to coworkers, and let her resentment poison every interaction with management. Her performance suffered as she focused on what she couldn't control—corporate's decision-making process. Then Maya realized she'd been handing her emotional freedom to people who barely knew her name. She couldn't control who got promoted, but she could control her response. Instead of burning bridges, she asked the new supervisor for feedback on her leadership skills. She redirected her energy toward what was actually hers—her work quality, her reputation, and her next opportunity. Maya stopped wanting things that required other people's cooperation and started focusing on what she could genuinely influence.
The Road
The road Epictetus walked in ancient Rome, Maya walks today in her workplace. The pattern is identical: suffering comes from trying to control what belongs to others' power, while freedom comes from focusing only on what's genuinely ours.
The Map
This chapter provides the Control Boundary Map—the ability to distinguish between what you can influence and what you cannot. Maya can use it to redirect her energy from external outcomes to internal responses.
Amplification
Before reading this, Maya might have stayed trapped in resentment, letting corporate decisions control her happiness. Now she can NAME the borrowed chains pattern, PREDICT where it leads to suffering, and NAVIGATE it by reclaiming her actual power.
You now have the context. Time to form your own thoughts.
Discussion Questions
- 1
According to Epictetus, what's the fundamental difference between what we can control and what we can't control?
analysis • surface - 2
Why does Epictetus say we become 'enslaved' when we want things that depend on other people's choices?
analysis • medium - 3
Think about your last major frustration at work or home. Was it caused by trying to control something outside your power?
application • medium - 4
How could focusing only on your own responses change the way you handle difficult relationships?
application • deep - 5
What does this chapter reveal about why humans create so much unnecessary suffering for themselves?
reflection • deep
Critical Thinking Exercise
Map Your Borrowed Chains
List three current situations that stress you out. For each one, identify exactly what you're trying to control that isn't actually yours to control. Then rewrite each situation focusing only on what you can genuinely influence - your actions, responses, and choices. Notice how this shift changes your emotional relationship to the problem.
Consider:
- •Be honest about what you're really trying to control - often it's other people's feelings, choices, or timeline
- •Your actual power might be smaller than you think, but it's also more reliable than external control
- •Letting go of false control often reveals new options you couldn't see before
Journaling Prompt
Write about a relationship where you've been trying to control the other person's behavior. How would that relationship change if you focused only on controlling your own actions and responses?
Coming Up Next...
Chapter 15: The Banquet of Life
In the next chapter, you'll discover to practice contentment without becoming passive, and learn wanting what you have is more powerful than getting what you want. These insights reveal timeless patterns that resonate in our own lives and relationships.