Original Text(~176 words)
Remember that desire demands the attainment of that of which you are desirous; and aversion demands the avoidance of that to which you are averse; that he who fails of the object of his desires is disappointed; and he who incurs the object of his aversion is wretched. If, then, you shun only those undesirable things which you can control, you will never incur anything which you shun; but if you shun sickness, or death, or poverty, you will run the risk of wretchedness. Remove [the habit of] aversion, then, from all things that are not within our power, and apply it to things undesirable which are within our power. But for the present, altogether restrain desire; for if you desire any of the things not within our own power, you must necessarily be disappointed; and you are not yet secure of those which are within our power, and so are legitimate objects of desire. Where it is practically necessary for you to pursue or avoid anything, do even this with discretion and gentleness and moderation.
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Summary
Epictetus delivers a masterclass in emotional self-defense by teaching us the difference between smart wanting and foolish wanting. He argues that disappointment isn't random—it's predictable. When we desire things outside our control (other people's approval, perfect health, financial security), we set ourselves up for heartbreak. When we fear things we can't prevent (aging, economic downturns, loss), we live in constant anxiety. The solution isn't to stop wanting altogether, but to want strategically. Focus your desires on things you actually control: your effort, your response, your character, your choices. Save your aversion for controllable bad habits, not uncontrollable life events. This isn't about lowering expectations—it's about placing them intelligently. A nurse can't control whether her patient recovers, but she can control the quality of care she provides. A parent can't guarantee their child's success, but they can control their own consistency and love. Epictetus suggests temporarily restraining desire altogether while you practice this mental discipline, like a recovering gambler avoiding casinos until they've built stronger habits. The goal isn't emotional numbness but emotional intelligence—learning to invest your mental energy where it can actually pay dividends. This ancient wisdom feels startlingly modern because the human tendency to fight reality hasn't changed in 2,000 years.
That's what happens. To understand what the author is really doing—and to discuss this chapter with confidence—keep reading.
Terms to Know
Stoicism
An ancient philosophy focused on controlling what you can and accepting what you can't. Stoics believed happiness comes from wisdom and virtue, not external circumstances.
Modern Usage:
We see this in cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness practices, and the serenity prayer used in recovery programs.
Desire vs. Aversion
Epictetus distinguishes between wanting something (desire) and wanting to avoid something (aversion). Both can cause suffering when focused on things outside our control.
Modern Usage:
This shows up in anxiety disorders where people fear uncontrollable outcomes, or in social media addiction where we crave likes and validation from others.
Sphere of Control
The concept that some things are within our power (our thoughts, choices, responses) while others are not (other people, natural disasters, the past). Wisdom means knowing the difference.
Modern Usage:
Modern therapy uses this as the foundation for treating anxiety and depression - focusing energy on what you can actually influence.
Emotional Discipline
The practice of training your emotional responses rather than being controlled by them. Like physical discipline, it requires consistent practice and restraint.
Modern Usage:
We see this in emotional intelligence training, anger management courses, and mindfulness meditation practices.
Philosophical Exercise
Ancient philosophers didn't just think - they practiced mental exercises to build wisdom like athletes build muscle. This chapter is a workout for your mind.
Modern Usage:
Similar to how we use journaling, meditation apps, or therapy homework to build better mental habits.
Discretion and Moderation
Even when pursuing necessary goals, Epictetus advises doing so with careful judgment and balance, not desperate intensity or reckless abandon.
Modern Usage:
This appears in modern advice about work-life balance, healthy relationship boundaries, and sustainable goal-setting.
Characters in This Chapter
Epictetus
Philosophical teacher
The voice giving this lesson on desire and control. He speaks from experience as someone who lived through slavery and disability, understanding powerlessness intimately.
Modern Equivalent:
The wise therapist who's been through their own struggles
The Student
Implied audience
The person Epictetus is teaching, someone who struggles with disappointment and anxiety about uncontrollable outcomes. Represents all of us learning these lessons.
Modern Equivalent:
Anyone trying to get their life together and stop feeling constantly stressed
Why This Matters
Connect literature to life
This chapter teaches how to allocate mental and emotional energy strategically, like budgeting money—investing where you can see returns.
Practice This Today
This week, notice when you're spending emotional energy on things outside your control, then ask: 'What could I influence instead right now?'
You have the foundation. Now let's look closer.
Key Quotes & Analysis
"Remember that desire demands the attainment of that of which you are desirous"
Context: Opening the lesson on how desire sets us up for disappointment
This reveals the mathematical nature of desire - it creates a debt that reality must pay. When we want something, we're essentially betting our happiness on getting it.
In Today's Words:
When you want something, you're basically saying 'I won't be okay unless I get this.'
"If you shun sickness, or death, or poverty, you will run the risk of wretchedness"
Context: Explaining why fearing uncontrollable things causes suffering
This shows how trying to avoid the unavoidable creates constant anxiety. It's like being afraid of gravity - the fear doesn't protect you, it just makes you miserable.
In Today's Words:
If you spend your energy dreading things you can't prevent, you'll live in constant fear.
"Remove aversion from all things that are not within our power, and apply it to things undesirable which are within our power"
Context: Giving practical instruction on redirecting our fears
This is the core technique - stop fearing what you can't control and start avoiding what you can control. It's about strategic emotional investment.
In Today's Words:
Stop worrying about stuff you can't change and start avoiding the bad choices you can control.
"For the present, altogether restrain desire"
Context: Advising temporary desire-fasting while learning these skills
Like a recovering addict avoiding triggers, Epictetus suggests a period of wanting nothing while you build mental strength. It's emotional detox.
In Today's Words:
For now, just stop wanting things until you learn how to want them smartly.
Intelligence Amplifier™ Analysis
The Road of Strategic Wanting
Wanting what you can't control and fearing what you can't prevent creates predictable suffering and wastes emotional energy.
Thematic Threads
Personal Agency
In This Chapter
Epictetus distinguishes between what we control (our responses, choices, effort) versus what we don't (outcomes, other people, external events)
Development
Builds on Chapter 1's fundamental division by showing how to apply it to desire and fear
In Your Life:
You might waste energy worrying about things completely outside your influence while neglecting areas where your actions could make a real difference.
Emotional Intelligence
In This Chapter
Strategic placement of desires and fears based on actual control rather than wishful thinking
Development
Introduced here as practical application of philosophical principles
In Your Life:
You might find yourself constantly disappointed because you're wanting the wrong things from the wrong sources.
Class Consciousness
In This Chapter
Working people often desire job security and fear economic instability—both largely outside individual control
Development
Introduced here through practical examples of misdirected emotional energy
In Your Life:
You might exhaust yourself trying to control workplace politics instead of focusing on your own skill development and professional relationships.
Mental Discipline
In This Chapter
Temporarily restraining desire while building better emotional habits, like avoiding triggers during recovery
Development
Introduced here as training method for developing wisdom
In Your Life:
You might need to step back from certain hopes or fears while you practice focusing on what you actually control.
Practical Wisdom
In This Chapter
Learning where to invest mental and emotional energy for actual returns rather than guaranteed frustration
Development
Introduced here as the goal of philosophical practice
In Your Life:
You might discover that changing your focus from outcomes to process dramatically reduces your stress while improving your effectiveness.
Modern Adaptation
When the Promotion Goes Sideways
Following Ellen's story...
Maya had worked double shifts for months, covering for absent coworkers and staying late to finish projects. When the supervisor position opened up, she felt certain it was hers. She'd earned it. Instead, they hired someone from outside—a younger woman with a degree but no floor experience. Maya's first instinct was rage, then desperation. She started obsessing over what she could have done differently, replaying every interaction with management, wondering if she should have been more assertive or more agreeable. She began working even harder, hoping to prove they'd made a mistake. Her sleep suffered, her relationships strained, and her job performance actually declined as she burned herself out trying to control everyone else's opinion of her worth. Meanwhile, her coworkers watched her spiral, some with sympathy, others with the knowing look of people who'd walked this exact path before.
The Road
The road Epictetus walked in ancient Rome, Maya walks today. The pattern is identical: suffering comes not from external events, but from desiring things outside our control and fearing outcomes we cannot prevent.
The Map
This chapter provides a tool for emotional triage—sorting desires into 'my control' and 'not my control' categories. Maya can channel her energy toward excellence in her current role rather than trying to manage her bosses' decisions.
Amplification
Before reading this, Maya might have continued the exhausting cycle of trying to control others' perceptions and decisions. Now she can NAME misplaced desire, PREDICT where it leads to burnout, and NAVIGATE by focusing her efforts on what she actually controls: her skills, attitude, and next strategic move.
You now have the context. Time to form your own thoughts.
Discussion Questions
- 1
According to Epictetus, what's the difference between wanting something you can control versus wanting something you can't control?
analysis • surface - 2
Why does Epictetus say that desiring things outside our control leads to predictable disappointment rather than random bad luck?
analysis • medium - 3
Think about your current stress or frustration. How much of it comes from wanting to control things that are actually outside your influence?
application • medium - 4
If you followed Epictetus's advice and only focused your desires on what you can actually control, how would your daily priorities change?
application • deep - 5
What does this chapter reveal about why humans naturally struggle with disappointment and anxiety, even in comfortable circumstances?
reflection • deep
Critical Thinking Exercise
Map Your Control Zones
Draw two circles on paper. In the first circle, list everything you're currently worried about or wanting that's outside your control. In the second circle, list what you actually can control in those same situations. Look for patterns in where you're investing your emotional energy versus where you have actual power to create change.
Consider:
- •Be honest about what you truly control versus what you influence or hope to control
- •Notice if you're spending more mental energy on the first circle than the second
- •Consider how redirecting your focus might change your stress levels
Journaling Prompt
Write about a time when you exhausted yourself trying to control something outside your power. What would you do differently now, and what would you focus on instead?
Coming Up Next...
Chapter 3: Preparing for Loss Before It Happens
What lies ahead teaches us to protect yourself emotionally by understanding what you can lose, and shows us reminding yourself of life's temporary nature builds resilience. These patterns appear in literature and life alike.