Original Text(~250 words)
Is anyone preferred before you at an entertainment, or in courtesies, or in confidential intercourse? If these things are good, you ought to rejoice that he has them; and if they are evil, do not be grieved that you have them not. And remember that you cannot be permitted to rival others in externals without using the same means to obtain them. For how can he who will not haunt the door of any man, will not attend him, will not praise him, have an equal share with him who does these things? You are unjust, then, and unreasonable if you are unwilling to pay the price for which these things are sold, and would have them for nothing. For how much are lettuces sold? An obulus, for instance. If another, then, paying an obulus, takes the lettuces, and you, not paying it, go without them, do not imagine that he has gained any advantage over you. For as he has the lettuces, so you have the obulus which you did not give. So, in the present case, you have not been invited to such a person’s entertainment because you have not paid him the price for which a supper is sold. It is sold for praise; it is sold for attendance. Give him, then, the value if it be for your advantage. But if you would at the same time not pay the one, and yet receive the other, you are unreasonable and foolish. Have you nothing, then, in...
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Summary
Epictetus tackles the sting of social exclusion with brutal honesty. When someone gets invited to parties you don't, gets promoted over you, or seems to have better connections, he says there's always a reason—and it's not unfairness. These social advantages are sold at a specific price: flattery, constant availability, swallowing your pride, playing politics. The person who got what you wanted simply paid that price. You didn't. Using the simple example of buying lettuce at market, Epictetus shows that if you refuse to pay the asking price, you can't complain when someone else gets the goods. The same logic applies to career advancement, social invitations, and personal favors. The question isn't whether the system is fair—it's whether you're willing to pay what these things actually cost. Maybe you're not invited to your boss's dinner party because you won't laugh at his bad jokes or stay late to chat. That's not injustice—that's choice. You kept your self-respect and authenticity instead of trading them for a dinner invitation. Epictetus argues this is actually the better deal. You avoided praising someone you don't respect and didn't have to endure their servants' attitude. The chapter reveals that feeling excluded often means you're unconsciously protecting something valuable: your integrity, time, or values. The pain comes from wanting both the social rewards and the moral high ground.
That's what happens. To understand what the author is really doing—and to discuss this chapter with confidence—keep reading.
Terms to Know
Entertainment
In ancient Rome, this meant dinner parties and social gatherings hosted by the wealthy or powerful. These weren't just fun - they were where business deals happened, political alliances formed, and social status was established.
Modern Usage:
Today we see this in company parties, networking events, and exclusive social circles where real decisions get made outside the office.
Courtesies
The formal acts of respect and deference shown to people of higher status - bowing, flattering words, public praise. In Roman society, these weren't just politeness but necessary currency for advancement.
Modern Usage:
Modern workplace politics - laughing at the boss's jokes, staying late to chat, sending thank-you emails, or posting supportive comments on LinkedIn.
Confidential intercourse
Private conversations with important people - being trusted with secrets, asked for advice, or included in behind-the-scenes discussions. This was a mark of being in someone's inner circle.
Modern Usage:
Being included in group texts, invited to informal meetings, or having the boss confide in you about company changes.
Externals
Things outside your direct control - other people's opinions, social invitations, promotions, wealth, status symbols. Epictetus taught that pursuing these leads to frustration because you can't guarantee getting them.
Modern Usage:
Social media likes, job titles, designer clothes, or being invited to the right events - things that depend on others' choices.
Haunt the door
Literally waiting outside someone's house hoping to catch them and curry favor. This was common practice for Romans seeking patronage from wealthy or powerful citizens.
Modern Usage:
Constantly checking in with your boss, hovering around important people at events, or always being available when they call.
Obulus
A small Roman coin worth very little - Epictetus uses it to show how even tiny transactions follow clear rules of exchange. You pay the price or you don't get the goods.
Modern Usage:
Any small cost we pay for something we want - the price tag is always visible if we're honest about it.
Characters in This Chapter
The preferred person
Social competitor
The person who gets invited to parties, receives courtesies, and enjoys confidential conversations that you don't. Epictetus uses them to illustrate that social advantages aren't randomly distributed - they're earned through specific behaviors.
Modern Equivalent:
The coworker who always gets invited to leadership meetings
The lettuce buyer
Economic example
Someone who pays the obulus and gets the lettuce while you go without. Epictetus uses this simple market transaction to explain how all social exchanges work - pay the price or don't get the goods.
Modern Equivalent:
The person who gets the promotion because they played the game
The host
Gatekeeper
The person throwing the entertainment who decides who gets invited. They represent anyone with something you want who sets the terms for getting it.
Modern Equivalent:
The boss who controls access to opportunities and advancement
Why This Matters
Connect literature to life
This chapter teaches how to identify the hidden prices people pay for social advantages and workplace benefits.
Practice This Today
This week, notice when someone gets special treatment at work—ask yourself what price they paid that you weren't willing to pay.
You have the foundation. Now let's look closer.
Key Quotes & Analysis
"You are unjust, then, and unreasonable if you are unwilling to pay the price for which these things are sold, and would have them for nothing."
Context: Explaining why feeling excluded is often unfair to the people who included others
This cuts to the heart of social resentment - we want the benefits without paying the costs. Epictetus shows that calling this 'unfair' is actually us being unfair to those who did pay the price.
In Today's Words:
You can't complain about not getting something when you refused to do what it takes to get it.
"For how much are lettuces sold? An obulus, for instance."
Context: Using a simple market example to explain social transactions
This everyday example makes abstract social dynamics concrete. Just like vegetables have clear prices, social advantages have clear costs - usually in dignity, time, or authenticity.
In Today's Words:
Everything has a price tag - the question is whether you're willing to pay it.
"It is sold for praise; it is sold for attendance."
Context: Revealing the actual currency required for social inclusion
Epictetus strips away pretense to show what social advancement really costs - constant flattery and availability. He's not condemning it, just making the transaction visible.
In Today's Words:
Want to be included? Here's what it costs: kiss up and always be available.
"So you have the obulus which you did not give."
Context: Showing what you keep when you don't pay social prices
This reframes social exclusion as keeping something valuable rather than losing something. You may not get the dinner invitation, but you keep your self-respect and time.
In Today's Words:
You didn't get what they got, but you kept what they gave up.
Intelligence Amplifier™ Analysis
The Road of Social Currency - Understanding What Everything Actually Costs
Every social advantage requires specific payments in time, dignity, or authenticity that most people refuse to acknowledge.
Thematic Threads
Class
In This Chapter
Social advantages require resources (time, energy, pride) that working-class people often can't afford to spend
Development
Builds on earlier themes about focusing on what you control
In Your Life:
You might notice how office politics favor people who can afford to socialize after work while you rush home to family responsibilities
Identity
In This Chapter
Choosing authenticity over social advancement becomes a core identity decision
Development
Expands on maintaining true self despite external pressures
In Your Life:
You might realize you'd rather be respected for who you are than liked for who you pretend to be
Social Expectations
In This Chapter
Society expects you to pay social prices without acknowledging they exist
Development
Introduced here as explicit examination of hidden social costs
In Your Life:
You might recognize how family gatherings require you to bite your tongue about politics to maintain peace
Personal Growth
In This Chapter
Maturity means honestly calculating what you're willing to pay for what you want
Development
Builds on earlier lessons about accepting reality
In Your Life:
You might decide that getting promoted isn't worth compromising your values or neglecting your family
Human Relationships
In This Chapter
All relationships involve exchanges, but healthy ones don't require you to sacrifice your core self
Development
Introduced here as framework for understanding social dynamics
In Your Life:
You might evaluate friendships based on whether they require you to be someone you're not
Modern Adaptation
When the Promotion Goes Sideways
Following Ellen's story...
Marcus watches his coworker Janet get promoted to shift supervisor at the warehouse, even though he has more experience and better safety records. He's bitter until he realizes the price Janet paid: she always volunteers for overtime, brings donuts for management, and never speaks up about unsafe conditions. When Marcus complained about broken equipment, Janet stayed quiet. When he organized workers to request better break room facilities, she sided with management. She got the promotion because she paid what Marcus wouldn't—his voice, his principles, his willingness to advocate for his coworkers. Marcus realizes he's not a victim of unfairness; he made a choice to keep his integrity instead of trading it for advancement. The promotion cost more than he was willing to pay.
The Road
The road Epictetus walked in ancient Rome, Marcus walks today in the warehouse. The pattern is identical: social advantages are purchased with specific sacrifices, and feeling excluded usually means you protected something valuable.
The Map
This chapter gives Marcus a framework for reading social transactions clearly. He can now see that every workplace dynamic involves hidden prices and conscious choices about what to trade for what rewards.
Amplification
Before reading this, Marcus might have felt like a victim of workplace politics and favoritism. Now he can NAME the transaction (integrity for advancement), PREDICT who will get promoted (those willing to pay the social price), and NAVIGATE his choices consciously (deciding what he's willing to trade and what he'll protect).
You now have the context. Time to form your own thoughts.
Discussion Questions
- 1
According to Epictetus, why do some people get invited to parties or promoted while others don't?
analysis • surface - 2
What 'prices' do people pay for social advantages that others might be unwilling to pay?
analysis • medium - 3
Think about your workplace or social circle - where do you see people paying these invisible social prices?
application • medium - 4
When have you chosen to keep your integrity instead of paying a social price, and how did that feel?
reflection • deep - 5
What does this chapter reveal about the difference between fairness and choice in how we navigate relationships?
reflection • deep
Critical Thinking Exercise
Price Tag Analysis
Think of a situation where someone else got something you wanted - a promotion, invitation, opportunity, or recognition. Write down what specific 'prices' that person likely paid that you chose not to pay. Then honestly assess: was your choice worth it?
Consider:
- •Consider both obvious prices (time, effort) and subtle ones (pride, authenticity, values)
- •Think about whether the person made conscious choices or unconscious ones
- •Reflect on what you protected by not paying those prices
Journaling Prompt
Write about a time when you consciously chose not to pay a social price. What did you gain by keeping your boundaries, and what did it cost you? Would you make the same choice again?
Coming Up Next...
Chapter 26: The Double Standard of Grief
As the story unfolds, you'll explore to recognize your emotional double standards, while uncovering we accept others' losses but resist our own. These lessons connect the classic to contemporary challenges we all face.